Expert Support
Sexuality and MS
Dany Bélanger, Sex therapist
Will anyone find me desirable again? How can I make love if I can’t feel anything? I don’t feel sexy anymore….
Worry about sexuality is a concern for many people with MS, although the subject is rarely addressed by healthcare professionals or in patient literature. MS can affect sexuality in numerous ways, playing havoc with both physical and emotional responses. Yet, most people suffer in silence – too shy to talk to their doctors or therapists – and allow the disease to rob them of an essential part of their lives.
A common problem
Because MS attacks the nervous system, it can disrupt nerve pathways that control sexual response mechanisms. Men may be unable to achieve or maintain an erection and may have difficulty reaching orgasm. Women may also have difficulty achieving orgasm and may experience a variety of other symptoms, such as vaginal dryness or uncomfortable sensations or numbness in the genital area. Both men and women may suffer from a total or partial loss of sexual desire. Secondary problems, such as fatigue, spasticity, cognitive issues, and bladder and bowel problems may also interfere with the sexual experience.
While these physical changes are challenging enough, it’s often the emotional changes that have the most devastating effect on sexuality. Many of my clients have MS and I see how quickly the disease affects their self-confidence. Too often, they have a poor body image and no longer think of themselves as sexually attractive. This loss of sexual identity can lead to anxiety and depression, taking the joy out of lovemaking and creating unnecessary tension in formerly healthy sexual relationships. Eventually, they may even come to avoid any sexual contact.
Think of yourself as a sexual being
While MS may change your sexual experience, it doesn’t have to destroy your sexuality. The need for love and intimacy is universal and you don’t have to suppress your feelings simply because you have an illness. It’s important to continue to think of yourself as a sexual being. After all, your brain is the most powerful erogenous zone in your body! The way you feel about yourself is closely tied to your personal well-being and directly affects your intimate relationships.
Focus on creativity, not performance
The key to overcoming sexual problems is to be open-minded and receptive to new ideas. People are often influenced by cultural norms and expectations and limit themselves to a narrow range of “appropriate” sexual behaviours. But MS can make it difficult to make love in traditional ways. Instead of focusing on performance, be creative in your lovemaking. Give your imagination free rein and explore new ways to give and receive pleasure. You may find it helpful to talk to a sex therapist or attend couples counselling – a skilled professional can suggest sexual techniques and other options that will help you create a satisfying sexual experience. Your local MS Society may be able to provide you with a list of therapists in your area.
Make time to make love
I’ve actually had clients tell me that MS improved their sexual relations by giving them the opportunity to explore their sexuality. As you experiment with different techniques, be honest with your partner and talk openly about what you want from your sexual relationship. Be respectful of your partner’s needs and don’t force him or her to try things that make them feel uncomfortable. Try to find activities that you both can accept and enjoy. I recommend that you go slowly and give yourself time to adapt to the changes in your body. Start by addressing the physical issues affecting your sexual relationship – sometimes you can improve your sexual response simply by adjusting your medications or planning your lovemaking for times when you aren’t fatigued. Set aside special times to be loving and don’t let anything interfere with your plans – even if it means sacrificing other commitments to make time for sex. When you have MS, it may take more effort to create a satisfying sexual experience. But, as you discover that your body can still be a source of love and pleasure for you and your partner, you’ll find the rewards far outweigh the disadvantages!
This feature is intended solely for informational purposes and is not a substitute for routine or urgent medical evaluation, treatment or consultation. Dany Bélanger ’s guest editorial should not be construed as a medical opinion aimed at establishing a diagnosis or course of treatment. Individuals who are being treated should not construe information here as replacing or superseding recommendations of their own physician.
